


Devoted to Neurosis Now

by EdgarAllenPoet



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Post-Split
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 18:31:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8256004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdgarAllenPoet/pseuds/EdgarAllenPoet
Summary: “Hey,” Brendon said.  “Um, Ry.  This is Sarah-” “We’ve met,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes the way he did when Brendon was being stupid.  Brendon hadn’t caught himself before saying the nickname, hadn’t had time to fix it.  Sarah squeezed his hand before dropping it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write this stupid thing since 2013 and I've finally done it! So there's that. Enjoy my time waste of run-on sentences.

He wasn’t used to it yet, not entirely, but perhaps he’d only ever be used to it the way you were when you did something again and again, never coming to fully understand it or feel comfortable in the actions, but carrying them out anyways.  Like going to church with his family as a child, the older he got the less sense it all made but the more it felt like tradition, just something that had to be done. 

 

Brendon didn’t want to think about touring like that. 

 

He’d been in a dark place, he knew that.  He fully recognized that he wasn’t doing so great, which was at least better than pretending he was fine.  This way he wasn’t surprised by his bad moods, even though he had no way of explaining them to others.  This way he knew he wasn’t going crazy. 

 

He hadn’t shared any of this with Spencer, although part of him knew that Spencer would want to know about it.  Spencer always said he wanted to know about these things, but Brendon couldn’t fully convince himself that he wouldn’t be bothering him.  After all, this wasn’t just Brendon’s problem.  This was Spencer’s too, and even Zack’s, in a way.

 

Brendon hadn’t told Zack about this, because Zack was, well… Zack.  Trying to sit with him and talk about emotions would be like trying to have that talk with his father, who was a traditionalist and army veteran, father of five, tough guy who didn’t have time for people being sad.  It wasn’t that either of them wouldn’t  _ listen _ , it’s just that thinking about talking to them made Brendon feel like he needed to toughen up, whether or not they would agree with that. 

 

Spencer would get it, but Spencer had his own problems.  Brendon used to talk to Jon about this stuff, but ever since the album dropped, Jon wasn’t talking to him anymore.  Ryan had never been that great at feelings anyways, but he’d always been willing to try.

 

The only person he’d told all of this to was Sarah -bless her heart- and it was probably the only thing holding him together.  Being with her, being this in love when he hadn’t even known these feelings were possible, made it all worthwhile, almost.  

 

Almost.

 

He felt like such a bad person for thinking that, but that didn’t stop the thoughts from coming.  He was so happy with her, so so happy.  They talked about getting married, not in definites, but in concepts the way he and Ryan used to sit up at night and fantasize about being rockstars.  Nothing in his life had ever felt this permanent, but the band had felt pretty permanent too…  Through the years, even through the bad times, the band felt like forever and Brendon had kept up the mantra of ‘if you love something, work for it,’ convincing himself that hard work and stubbornness were all it would take to keep the band together.

 

And then Jon and Ryan said they were quitting, and it hadn’t even been worth fighting them on it.  When had Brendon ever been able to fight Ryan on anything?

 

So Sarah was his light and his joy, and Spencer was his best friend in the world, and the band -or what was left of it- was their life.  Everything, by definition, was fantastic.  Brendon just wished he was okay enough to appreciate that.

 

“Hey!” Spencer wrapped an arm around Brendon’s shoulders, pulling him into his side and making Brendon stumble sideways.  Brendon laughed.  Spencer was already a little sweaty, but so was Brendon.  Pre-show nerves.  They were on in minutes.  Brendon was not in the mindset he should have been before a show.  He should have been bouncing off the walls.  He didn’t know what was wrong with him.

 

Spencer had to notice, but he didn’t say anything about it.  Instead he said, “We’re gonna rock this tonight.”   Brendon had to agree. 

 

A hand grabbing his ass made Brendon jump just about out of his skin, and Spencer laughed as Sarah appeared at Brendon’s side and smacked a kiss on his cheek.  

 

“You look great,” Sarah said, messing up his hair, or maybe fixing it.  It didn’t matter.  It felt nice.  “You’re going to be great.  Stop thinking so hard, hm?”

 

Brendon nodded and gave her a grin to show he was trying.  She deserved that, at least.  They all did.

 

“Ryan said he was coming tonight,” Spencer said out of nowhere, and yeah, Brendon knew that already.  Zack had told him when Spencer hadn’t been able to.  He wasn’t sure if he believed it yet.  It was probably the reason Brendon was feeling so neurotic, but Spencer probably wasn’t doing much better.  Brendon had lost one of his best friends and his boyfriend, but Spencer had years that Brendon couldn’t even imagined.  Constant contact for fifteen years, and then radio silence for months. 

 

“He’s coming because he’s your friend,” Sarah said wisely.  “He’s coming to support you.”

 

Spencer ventured a shaky smile.  “Yeah, sure.”

 

“You’re on!” one of the tech guys shouted, running up and clapping Spencer on the shoulder, pushing a microphone into Brendon’s hands. 

 

“Knock em dead,” Sarah said, and smacked both of them on the ass before they ran off on stage. 

 

The show was good.  Their shows were always good, because they were professionals at this point.  Anything less than good was unacceptable, which they figured out in the early days and remedied with hours upon hours of rehearsal.  On the bus, in the studio, at the venue, after shows.  They’d practiced the songs on Fever so much that Brendon used to have dream rehearsals in his sleep. 

 

He and Spencer had practiced Vices just a little bit more, paranoid that they wouldn’t be good enough.  That the two of them wouldn’t be enough.  That the album wasn’t enough.  Those were Brendon’s fears, at least, and Spencer played along with him the whole time.  Brendon couldn’t be sure what he was thinking, though.  The only solid glimpse he got, the only straightforward message, was when Spencer had shown him Hurricane. 

 

It was Brendon’s favorite to perform simple because it was cathartic.  Brendon could throw himself into it, let all of the pent up awfulness pour out of him and into the microphone.  It let him feel, really truly feel, way too much all at once for two and a half minutes before it was back to normal.  At least his brain could never truly catch up to him during a show.  At least he had that few hours of peace. 

 

Usually that could carry off into the night, at least for a little while, in what they called a ‘post show high.’  Some nights were better than others, but this night.  This night the high diffused almost immediately. 

 

“Dude!  Ryan!” Spencer just about shoved Brendon out of the way -okay, no he didn’t.  Brendon was being melodramatic, and he knew it, and he had to get a hold of himself- to get to Ryan, and they immediately wrapped each other up tight in a hug.  They always hugged like that, like they were clinging, a habit Spencer said they had held onto from kindergarten days.  Ryan never hugged anyone else like that, and Brendon was only a little bit jealous.  

 

_ Had been _ only a little bit jealous.  There was no point in it anymore. 

 

Zack was there, standing behind Ryan from just having escorted him back there, probably.  Dallon and Ian were bobbing around with wide eyes, looking nervous, and yeah, Brendon didn’t blame them.  If he was in their place he would have felt pretty lost at the moment, probably scared that the ex-band member was there to replace them and send them packing.  But Dallon and Ian didn’t have Brendon’s stupid self-esteem issues, so maybe they weren’t thinking anything like that. 

 

Sarah popped up behind Zack, and Brendon immediately went to her, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her neck to make her giggle.  

 

“You’re gross,” she said, pushing Brendon’s sweaty hair up off his forehead and wiping her hand on his shoulder.  He smiled. 

 

“You like it.”

 

“Hmmmm.” She pulled his hand up and kissed the back of it, and that’s when Brendon looked up and saw Ryan staring at them.  Brendon swallowed hard as Ryan stepped closer. 

 

“Hey…” Ryan said.  He had his hands shoved deep in his pockets of his too tight -as always- pants.  He chewed on his lip for just a split second before catching himself and stealing his expression.  He always had self-control like that, and it had been something Brendon envied forever.  He couldn’t do that.  It was so hard for him to even realize what emotions were showing through on his face, let alone regulate them. 

 

“Hey,” Brendon said.  “Um, Ry.  This is Sarah-” 

 

“We’ve met,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes the way he did when Brendon was being stupid.  Brendon hadn’t caught himself before saying the nickname, hadn’t had time to fix it.  Sarah squeezed his hand before dropping it.  

 

“Great to see you again,” she said to Ryan, who grinned politely.  Since when was Ryan Ross ever polite? 

 

“You too.” 

 

“I’ll let you guys catch up.” 

 

She disappeared, and next thing Brendon knew it was just the two of them left caught in the middle of a sea of techs from the venue, running about and taking care of things.  Ryan nodded his head off to the left, and Brendon shrugged.  He followed when Ryan went, and they found themselves in an empty hallway.  

 

“So how have you been?” Brendon asked, bouncing his knee almost as soon as he sat down.  

 

Ryan nodded a bit.  “Good.  Fine.  Been working on Young Veins stuff, so.”

 

“How’s that going?”

 

“We’ll have an album soon.” 

 

“Wow.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s what you wanted?”

 

Ryan laughed a little, under his breath and almost bitterly.  “Yeah. I guess so.”  There was a long pause.  Brendon didn’t know what to say to that, just that he felt like he was choking.  Ryan was good at making Brendon feel like that.  He always had been. 

 

“So Hurricane is pretty mean, huh?” Ryan said, lips quirking up in a smile.  “Like damn it’s hard to say we split on good terms when you go writing stuff like that.”

 

Brendon didn’t correct him.  Ryan didn’t need to know that those were Spencer’s words, Spencer’s feelings, and Spencer’s bitterness.  Just like old times, Brendon was singing for someone else.  Unlike before, though, he shared the feelings Spencer had given him.  Brendon couldn’t have written it better if he tried.  When they played that song, Spencer and Brendon became the same person, a driving force of anger and hurt feelings pushing back against everything.  A hurricane.  Ha. 

 

“Hey.  I heard those demos for ‘The Other Girl.’  I don’t want to hear it.” 

 

Ryan actually looked ashamed at that, or maybe just pissed off.  It was hard to tell, sometimes.  All of those years together, all of those times Brendon felt like he and Ryan couldn’t have been any closer, and he still couldn’t read the other boy.  The other… man?  It was weird to think like that.  Brendon didn’t feel very grown up at all. 

 

“You really hate me?” Ryan asked. 

 

Brendon responded honestly, “Sometimes.  You’re mad at me?”

 

Ryan grinned just a fraction of a smile and nodded.  “A lot.  You and Sarah look pretty happy.”

 

“We are,” Brendon said, catching the resentment that passed over Ryan’s face like a cloud.  Sometimes he couldn’t read Ryan, but sometimes it was way too easy.  “What about you and Z?”

 

Ryan shrugged.  “We tried it.  It was fun, but we broke it off.” 

 

“How about you and Jon-”

 

“He’s married, Brendon,” Ryan practically snapped.  “Not all of us take unions like that lightly.” 

 

Brendon could have retaliated with a slew of things.  He could have pointed out that both of them, back when they were young and dumb and dating Keltie and Audrey, that both of them had been more than willing to cheat.  He could point out that Jon and Ryan had made out once, on a dare sure, but made out nonetheless, in front of Cassie, who hadn’t given a shit.  He could point out that Ryan used to preach about free love and open relationships.  Instead he hung his head with a sigh and said, “We weren’t together, Ryan.  You know that.” 

 

“We might as well have been.”

 

“You didn’t want to be.”

 

“Fuck you,” Ryan spat.  “You don’t know what I wanted.” 

 

“Every time I asked you shot me down,” Brendon pointed out. 

 

“It wasn’t right.”

 

“And this is?”

 

Ryan sighed.  Brendon worried his lip.  They didn’t talk for a long moment.  “Did you and Jon leave because of us?” Brendon finally found the nerve to ask, peeking up at Ryan from under his hair to see Ryan shaking his head.  

 

“I told you.  I was never going to let us break up the band.  It was just… it was time.” 

 

“We weren’t good for each other.” 

 

Ryan actually laughed at that.  “We were  _ awful _ !” Brendon found himself smiling, and then he was laughing, shoulders shaking where he was leaning back against the hallway wall.  Ryan was laughing too, eyes crinkled the way they always had, overgrown hair hanging into his eyes.  They laughed for a good while, until Brendon was able to breathe again, and then Ryan said, “You know I loved you, right?”

 

Brendon looked at him, feeling the leftovers of laughter hanging behind in a small grin.  “Yeah,” he just about whispered.  “I… I know.  I was trying to love you too.”  He paused again, studying Ryan’s face.  He said, “I’m in love with Sarah now.  We want to get married.”

 

“Have you proposed?”

 

Brendon shook his head.  “I’m going to.”

 

“You should.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“You two are good for each other.  Us… we weren’t ever good for each other.  We almost destroyed each other.” 

 

“You should write a song about it,” Brendon said.  

 

“Too dark for our vibe.  You’re the one in the emo scene, remember?” Ryan said.  Brendon grinned.  He hoped Ryan wrote the song anyways.  Brendon would never be able to figure out how. 

 

“How’s Jon doing?” Brendon asked, shifting the conversation away from topics that felt too dangerous.  “Haven’t talked to him since…. Well, since the album dropped.” 

 

“He’s okay.  Just working through some stuff.”

 

“He really thought Spence and I wouldn’t keep the band?”

 

“He thought it wasn’t right.  I knew you guys probably would, but Jon wasn’t having it.” 

 

“He’s so mad at me.”

 

“If it helps any, he’s mad at Spencer, too.”

 

“That doesn’t, but thanks.” 

 

“I’m not too mad at you guys,” Ryan said, looking thoughtful, pushing off of his wall across from Brendon to lean on the wall next to him instead.  “The album is good.  The band is as much yours as it was ours, and…  I knew you were too stubborn to just let it die.” 

 

“Woulda been a damn shame.”

 

“Do you miss me?” Brendon had to take a moment, taken totally off guard by the question.  Ryan wasn’t asking if Brendon missed him and Jon in the band, but Brendon could have answered that way, and Ryan probably would have let him get away with it.  The answer would have been the same either way. 

 

“I miss you,” he said.  “But… I’m getting over it, I think.  I think it’s necessary.  Like you said, we weren’t good for each other.” 

 

“I think I’ll always love you, in a way,” Ryan said, meeting Brendon’s gaze and not letting it drop.  Brendon saw it coming before it happened, but Brendon didn’t make a move to stop it.  He leaned in instead, slipping his eyes shut and letting his mouth meet Ryan’s.  It was so familiar.  They’d only done it a hundred times before.

 

They kept it chaste, just a second or three, before they both pulled back and looked into each other’s eyes again.  “That’s the end, then?” Ryan asked.  Brendon nodded.  Ryan grinned just a bit, just the quirk of the lips.  

 

“I’ll see you, Brendon,” Ryan said, stepping backwards a few paces, before finally turning and disappearing from the hallway, leaving Brendon all alone with his thoughts once again, which was, these days, an increasingly dangerous place to be.

 

That night, on the bus, Brendon and Sarah curled in close to each other and stared at the dvd playing on low volume on the TV.  Dallon and Ian were up front, drinking and talking.  Spencer had turned in for the night, snoring quietly in his bunk.  Zack was passed out in the back lounge with them, and he’d been out for hours, dozing quietly.  

 

Brendon and Sarah were comfortable, curled up under a blanket.  Sarah had her head tucked into Brendon’s neck, and he was running his fingers through her hair, trying not to lose himself in thought.  He knew he had to tell her, and he knew there was no good way to do it.  So he just did. 

 

“We kissed,” he told her.  She didn’t respond immediately, so Brendon kept going.  “We talked.  About the break.  About what happened.  About us.  We’re over.  There’s nothing there, anymore.  Nothing but what’s already happened.  It was just a quick kiss.  Like a goodbye.  I didn’t mean to…. I don’t want it to have hurt you.  But I thought you should know.” 

 

He didn’t know how he expected her to respond, but he wasn’t anticipating the words, “You’re so sweet.”  He blinked. 

 

“Thank you for telling me,” she said, and then paused.  She drew circles on his thigh with his fingertip.  “Remember that talk we had, about what it means for us to be exclusive?  About how we think it’s dumb that people think you can’t be attracted to other people when you’re in a relationship?”

 

Brendon nodded.  He remembered that conversation.  He remembered being glad she agreed with him. 

 

“You can feel for different people in different ways,” she said.  “And you and Ryan have a lot of history.  I can’t be mad about that.  I can’t be mad about the kiss.  Even if you’re still in love with him-”

 

“-I’m not,” he interrupted.  She looked up at him and smiled patiently. 

 

“Well I couldn’t be mad about that either.  Because I’m pretty certain you love me-”

 

“-I do.”

 

“Good.  Cause I love you too.”  Brendon pressed a kiss to her forehead, and then her cheek.  She pulled herself up, and they kissed a little longer before spreading out on the couch.  He cradled her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her and holding on tight. 

 

“You gonna be okay?” Sarah asked him.  Brendon wasn’t sure.  He didn’t know what he was doing yet, or how to process things.  But maybe, if things kept on as they had been, he’d be alright.  Maybe it wouldn’t even be learning to be alright.  Maybe it wouldn’t feel like settling.  Maybe he’d be alright, just like that, all on its own.  Maybe Sarah would help him.  He thought she would.  Maybe he’d be okay again.

 

As Ryan had put it, he was stubborn.  Brendon would be okay again, or he’d go down kicking and screaming.  He was too tired for kicking and screaming just then, though, so he snuggled closer to Sarah and said, “Already am.”

  
  


…

  
  


He’d shown the song to Sarah first, and then later to Spencer and Dallon.  They’d all taken to it, but Sarah had that certain look in her eyes that meant she’d gotten it.  He didn’t have to explain it to her.  She knew. 

 

“Feel good?” she asked him.  He’d nodded and smiled. 

 

“Like catharsis,” he’d told her, and she’d laughed.  He’d written a dozen songs for her, a number of them going on albums.  This one wasn’t for her, though, and she was okay with that. 

 

He didn’t show it to Ryan.  He figured that Ryan would hear it eventually.  If he still followed their albums, then he’d hear it.  If he didn’t get it, then that was fine, but Brendon had a feeling he would.  He’d always seen straight through him. 

 

On stage Brendon pretended he could see him in the audience, listening to Brendon’s words straight from his mouth.   _ “...I want to complicate you, don’t let me do this to myself….” _

 

_ “...You never could control me…” _

 

_ “...I never really thought that you’d come tonight…” _

  
_“...Give me one last kiss cause we’re far too young to die.  We’re far too young to die…”_

**Author's Note:**

> Based (obviously) on the song Far Too Young To Die, which is one of my favorites off that album for entirely personal reasons that have nothing to do with Ryden. Promise to write wolf!verse again soon. Come bother me on tumblr (punks-n-rec.tumblr.com) or drop a comment here :)


End file.
